2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
