I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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