sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Of course I have a pirate flag
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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