Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
