i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
