I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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