I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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