mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
