Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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