I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
