I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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