Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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