Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
