Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
