Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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