Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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