"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
