She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
