i need an iv and a liver transplant
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
