Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Everclear isn't food dammit
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