i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
