i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
