You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
