dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
