When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
