i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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