i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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