just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
