Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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