god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
