I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
