I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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