Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
