HIV tests are more positive than that guy
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
