not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How external is "for external use only"?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Text me some of your sweat
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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