Umm I'm too high to move.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
