I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
