This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
