Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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