i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
