Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize