FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
