My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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