Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
