Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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