is your mom at the bar?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
