Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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