the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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