Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
