Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
