Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
