I can tuck mytits in my pants
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
