last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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