if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize