so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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