i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
