Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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