wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
