i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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