is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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