Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
