Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
