Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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