I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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