I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
