so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
