Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize