dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
